Posted by Blogger Name. Category:
David Cunliffe
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Guest post
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Labour Party
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Nookin
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The Oweners Proof
Nookin has sent through another audition post, and it's an absolute beauty. Who knew that he was David Cunliffe's secret confidante? Greg Presland will be heart-broken. He writes:
I savour the second cup of coffee of the day. The first one satisfies an urgent need for a caffeine fix.The second one is there for enjoyment. Today, I figured that I would have plenty of time to enjoy cup number two. After all, by anyone’s measure, it has been a week from hell. The polls, the missing cash and the faded memory – what else can you say. He will be late I thought and started sipping. That is, of course if he turns up at all.He surprised me. Right on time at 9 a.m., the doorbell rang and David stood there, just under the recently erected Nookin-News shingle, beaming like Lewis Carroll’s fictional feline.“Come in David,” I invited. “Great to see you so cheerful after the last week – with the polls and all that.”“Mate, last week was the turning point of this campaign. We are poised. I am poised. The foundation is there. The platform is strong. It is like a bungey. We have pulled back as far as we can go and any minute we will launch ourselves into the stratosphere of political greatness.”I silently wondered whether the paucity of oxygen at stratospheric levels would, or indeed could inhibit further the cerebral functions of someone already showing signs of deprivation.“Sit down, David. What can I get you – coffee, tea, rescue remedy?”“I have had an epiphany” he beamed. “I am going to eliminate the sleaze, the duplicity and the hypocrisy from politics in this country. ““You are resigning?” I ventured, timidly.“Good one mate. Good one. Nope – we have this opportunity and I am taking it. It all came together this week. It cannot have been coincidence. All the forces came together. I thought for a minute that it was because of a higher power. But there isn’t one. It all came down to me.”I poured my third cup. I had sprayed what was left of my second over my keyboard. Hopefully it will dry out.“Last year I said that when I became Prime Minister I would eyeball the directors and shareholders of that mining company on the coast and make them pay. What happens? They capitulated in court. Over $3,000,000 is handed over. That was me, Nookin.”“Now hang on a minute, David” I interrupted “There are some who believe that that was a bit of a sellout -- that justice was paid off”.“Nonsense. Justice has nothing to do with it. You heard Key in 2011 – “ Show me the money” he said. Well, I opened the safe door this time. Forget justice. This was cash in Liu . ”There was no stopping him now. He salivated in full flight.“Two weeks ago, I announced that Kiwi Court would deal with all outstanding insurance claims in Christchurch. Inside 10 days, we have 1500 claims – not tens of thousands. I did that, Nookin. Me.We now have a court with plenty of time to deal with the more pressing issues of the day – the bottom feeders of the political pond.And, we have a new approach thanks to Owen Glenn. The burden of proving innocence will be on the perpetrator! This will turn politics on its head. As a tribute to Owen Glenn we will call this legal edict after him. Owen will love that. Forget about a Consort in Morocco or Monaco or whatever he wanted. A legal principle named after him! He is suing everyone at the moment. He’ll love it. At least $250,000 worth of love, mate. I am going to call it the Oweners Proof. Get it? Oweners? Sounds like Onus.I groaned and mentally transposed a vowel. I guess it beats inserting a consonant.“So, David. How will this work? ““Simple, he says. If it looks like sleaze it will be presumed to be sleaze until proven otherwise. Unless the perpetrator proves otherwise, they will be banned from politics.What was the cost to New Zealand for that cup of milk? How much did she promise? Who was that mysterious border official? What did he get from all this?Was Maurice really thinking about rainbows or did he have his mind on the pot of gold at the end of it? I am going to get answers .”“Well, David. This works both ways, does it not? There has been some talk of undeclared donations, this week”.“LIES” he bellowed. “Rubbish and nonsense. Show me the money. I said it before and I will say it again.Show me the money!But, you are right “. He conceded. “ This law will apply to Labour as well as National and the Greens.”“And Mana Dotcom?” I inquired.“We’ll see. I’m thinking about that. It depends on whether we need Hone.Right now though, I am going to make sure that no-one thinks that Labour is anything other than squeaky clean.The Oweners Proof will apply to allegations against Labour and I have made that absolutely clear this week. Like I said to Key this week, if you are going to tell lies about Labour then you prove them. Mate. If you’ve got the dirt on Labour then you’ve stolen it and I am not going to have anyone stealing Labour’s intellectual property. Key has to show what he says is true. He has to show how he got that information. Otherwise he is out, mate. Gone. Kaput. The Oweners Proof applies to everyone equally. “I handed him a tissue for his chin. In fact, I gave him a box of tissues and put the jug on again.
This is great stuff from Nookin, that needs no embellishing from us. Hands up those who think he deserves to be added to the Keeping Stock lineup?
