Posted by Blogger Name. Category:
David Cunliffe
,
James Griffin
,
Labour Party
,
Quote of the Day
,
Satire
,
Sue Moroney
,
Weekend Herald
We hadn't really noticed James Griffin's work before, because we seldom see a paper version of the Weekend Herald. But this piece had us chuckling:
Sue Moroney, Chief Whip of the opposition Labour Party, the party most famous for opposing itself, entered the office of David Cunliffe, the First Among All the Davids and Leader of the Opposition. She found him, as she had often found him in recent times, slumped over his desk, his head in his hands.
"Tell me the good news, Sue," he said.
"There is no good news, David. Though I suspect we are entering the phase now where even mildly bad news could be called 'good' news."
"So the news is only mildly bad, then?"
"No. No, I'm afraid the news isn't even close to mildly bad, unless your definition of 'mildly bad' is the same as your definition of 'terrible'. The Shane situation has, as we feared, spiralled wildly out of control. We are losing MPs even faster than we are shedding points in the polls."
David Cunliffe whimpered, a sound no grown man should ever make. Sue's heart went out to him, even though, strictly speaking, as Chief Whip, she wasn't meant to have a heart.
"It's my fault, boss," she said. "The writing was on the wall with Shane, and it was my job to know what it meant. And maybe if I'd acted sooner I could have stopped the exodus."
"No, don't be so harsh on yourself, Sue, no one could have seen coming what Shane did."
"No, seriously, after he lost the leadership battle Shane wrote '%#&<\@> yous, I'm out of here' in really big letters, on the wall of his office. We all thought it was his idea of a joke. Did you never see it, in Shane's office? Really big letters, hard to miss."
"I never go into Shane's office. I'm too scared of what he might be doing when I walk in. Okay, give me the gory details, who have we lost today?"
"Well, Jacinda has resigned to become a spokes-model for Colgate; Cosgrove's landed a gig managing the Countdown in Rangiora; David P muttered something about there being too many Davids and not enough Goliaths and tramped off into the bush; Grant Robertson has accepted a job as a tolerance counsellor at the NZCTU; and Annette has decided going back to being a dental nurse is better that being Labour Spokesperson for Health."
"The best and the brightest, gone," David sighed mournfully.
"Oh yeah, and Trevor Mallard's buggered off too - no idea where."
There's more, but in fairness both to the Herald and to Mr Griffin himself, you should follow the link above and read it all yourself at source.
But we commend James Griffin on an excellent piece of satire, at David Cunliffe's expense. It IS satire, isn't it?
